


The Meaning of Nine

by Surin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Overthinking, seungmin centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 13:41:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14113560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surin/pseuds/Surin
Summary: For Seungmin, their happiness is his. That’s why he’s fine being at the back, because if they smile then he will too. If they cry, then he’ll cry too. They’re everything he had here. He always thinks that he’s fine being at the back, silently sharing their happiness, but after all this time, even the strongest hearts will break, won’t it?





	The Meaning of Nine

Seungmin remembers being the happiest when Chan asked him to join his team. It was probably one of the most beautiful moments in his life because ever since he joined JYPE, Chan is the person he most looks up for amongst all of these trainees. Chan never gives up and his bright personality attracted Seungmin, because Seungmin, too, hopes that he could shine as bright as Chan is. He was always wondering why Chan was stuck so long as a trainee, because all Seungmin saw was talents inside him. He had always been sure that Chan belongs on the stage but he was never sure about himself. Yes, he had always been praised as the stable one amongst all the trainees. ‘The perfect trainee’, they would say. But being perfect doesn’t mean you’ll shine. Because all these time, Seungmin felt like he was always in the shadows.

Don’t get him wrong though. When Chan asked him to join and he got to be with all these 8 talented people, he was grateful. He slowly got attached to them and ended up falling in love. For Seungmin, they are more than just friends, more than just a team. They are family. When they were given a chance to debut after the trainee showcase, they were extremely hopeful. “It’s finally here,” Seungmin thought. 

But when Minho was made to leave, Seungmin started to break a little. He had never imagined about debut with someone left behind. He had always believed in nine. Nine people on the stage. It didn’t matter who shined the most on the stage as long as his family is complete; that was all Seungmin wanted. It broke him even more when he saw Minho forcing a smile. All Minho did was forgetting a line. He was nervous and Seungmin hoped that JYP could’ve seen how Minho usually shined when he performs. So he kept practicing even harder after Minho left. Nights after nights, he kept practicing to the point of collapsing. He tells himself he’s doing this for Minho, but the truth is, he’s torturing his body to cope with the ache in his heart. “You haven’t been home lately.” Jisung commented one day. “What do you mean? Of course I have. You see me get ready for school every day.” Seungmin replied, even though speaking was a torture for him because his throat was aching.

“Do you even sleep? I only see you in the morning.”  
“You’re just asleep when I got home. Felix comes home late too, doesn’t he?” Seungmin lied. The way to debut is cold and hard. Everyone was exhausted and he didn’t want to stress them out any further.  
“I wake up during night sometimes and I see him in the room, but not you.”  
“It’s probably because I’m in the living room doing school stuffs. Don’t worry; I’m not staying over at a girl’s house or something.” Seungmin tried to joke it off.

Jisung sighed. “I would rather you stay over at a girl’s place than you tiring yourself out.” He mumbled under his breath and Seungmin pretended not to hear it. He couldn’t stop practicing. It wasn’t fair for Minho to leave and as someone who managed to stay, he had to perform better, for Minho’s sake, for everyone, so no one had to leave again.

Felix was on his way back to the practice room one night to get something that he left behind. He heard a voice singing, his voice breaking like he was crying and losing his voice at the same time. There were also sounds of steps like someone dancing. And then he heard something hard colliding with the floor. He was scared, but the singing voice he heard sounded like someone he knew so his legs brought him to the practice room. Seungmin was there, unconscious on the floor. The first person he called was Chan.

Felix carried him out and brought Seungmin to the hospital himself by taxi. Chan woke the others up and drove themselves to the hospital. Seungmin had to stay overnight in the hospital. The members were told that he most likely fainted due to lack of sleep causing fatigue. When Seungmin woke up the next morning, he had completely lost his voice and was told to rest his throat for a few days. No matter what the members said, Seungmin kept reprimanding himself. He couldn’t practice for days, and so he was stuck on his own with his broken heart and broken mind.

When Seungmin saw Minho’s video message during their camp, his smile once again broke his heart even more and he cried even harder as he felt even more ashamed because he wouldn’t be able to join the trainees’ showdown due to his voice. And Seungmin couldn’t help but think that, maybe it would be better if he was the one who left.

It only got worse when JYP himself said that Seungmin doesn’t stand out. Deep inside his heart, Seungmin has always known. He doesn’t stand out; he doesn’t shine like the others. That’s why he’s fine being at the back, because if they smile then he will too. If they cry, then he’ll cry too. They’re everything he had here so he kept convincing himself that he’s fine. He’s contented. But does it really not break his heart every time people had their eyes on everyone else but him? He felt fucking selfish and he hated that feeling.

Seungmin was holding onto one last hope that Minho would return, but it seemed even more impossible now that Felix had to leave too. It was like all his hopes crushed, a debut with nine sounded distant. He saw Felix’s struggles. He saw how hard Felix was practicing. Both Minho and Felix deserved that.

When a sudden announcement by JYP saying he would bring them back, Seungmin was beyond happy. He performed as nine and was praised by JYP for finally shining on the stage. They are going to debut as nine. He thought maybe being nine was all he needed. For Seungmin, nine was the number for happiness. 

But it didn’t really last long before the feeling of emptiness overcame him again. He felt that the shadows never left. He was still the same person, quietly at the corner, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to react. He was the same awkward person who didn’t stand out. He thought maybe that was where he belonged, in the shadows. He would just smile when they smile, laugh when they laugh, and … break as they shine.

It was like the last piece of him finally broke. After a live video, where he basically said nothing, he spent lots of time thinking. His mind broke the last piece of him. “Seungmin-ah?” Changbin slowly approached him; he felt something was wrong about Seungmin, like Seungmin would crumble to his touch. “I can’t do this anymore.” Seungmin sobbed. “What do you mean?” Chan asked.

“I don’t belong here.” 

And he broke everyone with his words. How could someone, who meant so dearly for all of them, claims that he doesn’t belong with them. Woojin kept him in his arms, like he was going to protect him from all the wickedness in the world, but he didn’t know that the only thing that was harming him was his own mind. “I don’t know what made you think of that, but you do belong here, with us. We’re nine. Nine or none, remember? We’ve come all this way. There are no other places where you belong except here. You belong with us.” Woojin said.

“You cried for me when I was eliminated. How much pain did your heart suffer for you to cry so hard? Because I could swear that hearing you say you don’t belong here, hurt me as much as the pain you felt back then.” Minho’s voice broke.

“Stop over-thinking, Seungmin-ah. All this time, you are wrecking yourself with your mind. I’ve seen how you’ve been torturing yourself and it’s time to stop. You are loved. You shined but you just can’t see it. Even JYP saw how bright you’ve shined. So why can’t you believe in yourself?” Jisung tried to convince him. He had always seen the insecurity inside Seungmin and he really hoped that Seungmin could clearly see himself. Because Seungmin is the kind of person everyone would fall in love with; everyone except himself.

“I have always been jealous of how stable your vocals and dancing are, hyung.” Jeongin said.  
“If you think your stability is boring, then you’re wrong.” Hyunjin continued.  
“You are always so stable; we know we can trust you. You’re the member no one had to worry about. Because you are perfect the way you are. No one gives out more comfort than you. I wouldn’t have imagined Stray Kids without you.” Felix joined.

“I chose every single one of you. And none of you is a mistake. The eight of you made my dreams came true. By just existing, you guys cured my loneliness. So don’t say anything about not belonging here. Because that sounded like you regretted being a part of my family.” Chan muttered, looking into Seungmin’s eyes. “I chose you, Seungmin-ah. And you chose to be a part of us. Please tell me you’re not regretting this. Because you do belong here and we need you. There will be no Stray Kids without you.”

It was that moment when Seungmin realized, nine was indeed happiness. Because being nine, he shined. After all this time, the only shadows that were following him was his mind, blinding him from seeing how bright he was being on stage with the members. Even the strongest hearts break; but with being with them, Seungmin was sure that they will mend. They will fill the broken parts with the happiest memories. Flower road or not, Seungmin will walk till the end with them. Because for Seungmin, nine was the number for happiness

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a Stray Kids fic! I joined the fandom not long ago (14 March 2018, White Day) and I fell in love with them after watching all their hard work. Stray Kids debuted yesterday and to celebrate, I wrote this fic. And as for today, let's go break youtube debut mv record for our boys, shall we?!
> 
> Kudos and comments are very appreciated!  
> Always remember you are loved, 
> 
> Jo aka Surin


End file.
